Most of my writing, and my work is for women. Many women I’ve worked with and spoken to over the years have battled self doubt. They’re unsure of their own instincts, desires, and ideas. As girls, we’re often taught very early in life that being selfish, self-centered, or doing what you want is a bad thing. For girls and women, it’s distasteful and frowned upon to prioritize yourself, your feelings, and your own goals.
We’re conditioned to behave in ways that please others, and forced to adapt our emotional responses for everyone else’s comfort. Whereas both the behaviors and moods of boys are more often accepted at face-value and adapted to.
As women reach middle age, after they’ve done all the things they “were supposed” to, they can find themselves with more time and opportunity to pursue their personal ambitions.
Unfortunately, many also find themselves riddled with fear and self doubt about how their ambitions, and endeavors will be perceived and received. Because they’ve spent so long adapting, conforming, and contorting their identities to fit external acceptance, they don’t know how or where to begin operating from a place of self.
You Are Your Dream
Your dream isn’t about anyone else’s acceptance. If you decide to pursue anything it should be what you whole-heartedly choose. Your dream can’t work if it’s based on the approval and praise of others. Unless, of course your dream is to be praised by others. If your biggest, deepest wish is to have everyone around you love and rave about you, close this window and leave my site. I don’t write for you.
I don’t do anything for people-pleasers who build their identity on an insatiable hunger for adoration. Choke and die and fuck off away from me.
You are your dream. Your dream is about your own self-acceptance, and self-validation, and dare I say PRIDE.
Achieving your ambitions and goals is something you do FOR YOURSELF.
The only person you should ever be afraid of disappointing is yourself. You’re not obligated to do anything for anyone other than yourself. Before you can even begin to tap at the true potential of your dreams and ideas you have to release consideration for anyone else’s reaction.
Read this out loud:
“They might like it or not, but I don’t care. Because what I’m doing I’m doing for myself and my own satisfaction.”
Say it to yourself as many times a day as you need. Repeat it over and over. “What I’m doing I’m doing for myself and my own satisfaction.” And if that’s not true then stop doing it.
BE THE BAD GUY.
We’ve all heard the saying that well behaved women rarely make history. You might not want to be social media famous, or known in the history books, and that’s okay. Maybe you just want to do something you think is cool that might help inspire people.
If you want to change your life, if you truly have a strong desire to make a positive impact on your community, you have to overcome your fears of disappointing other people. You have to be willing to risk that people wont understand you.
How To Become a Selfish Bitch Who Only Cares About What She Wants
Are you willing to reprogram yourself to selfishly only spend your time on things that matter to you? Will you commit yourself to your ideas, and focus on your dreams, and purpose?
First, get over words. Talk is cheap and words only have the power YOU give them. So give yourself some power by getting extremely comfortable saying bitch, cunt, and selfish. Get comfortable saying the words and get comfortable embodying their energy.
BE SELFISH. Say no when you don’t want to do something. BE BITCHY. Get sassy when you have to repeat yourself because someone overtly disregarded your boundary. Be short with people who try to extract more mental and emotional labor from you than they deserve. BE CUNTY. Start being cutting, sharp, snarky, and even vindictive to those who betray your good will. Establish your dominance and prominence within your own life.
Make those words your new anthem. Make them a sonnet to yourself. When you’re alone talk out loud to yourself about how smart and talented and genuine you are, and say it like a rap song.
Or put on some death metal, or some Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, Lil Kim, or Glorilla (or DMX) and tap into the growliest most ferociously determined version of yourself.
Second, daydream. And I mean DAY DREAM. HARD.
What change do you want to be in the world? What do you want it to look like when you’re doing that thing you want to do? How does your ideal version of reality/the world look? How does your ideal life look?
Allow yourself to get lost in the sauce. Imagine what it’s gonna feel and look like when you have the experience. The hippies call this visualization and the only reason you aren’t doing it is because you’re afraid of…?
Right, so start daydreaming. Make the time for yourself to think about what you want.
Then, start scripting.
Take out a piece of paper and write down exactly what you want. Answer the questions above in complete, honest, detail? Can you explore your answers without thinking about anyone else ever reading or hearing your words? Could you daydream onto the paper just for you?
Could you verbalize, or visualize your ideal reality without ever once dismissing or reducing a part of it as impossible?
If not, why not? What part of your ideas or dreams is impossible? Write down all the reasons why it’s “impossible” and list all of the blocks that make you doubt yourself.
A Work-around for Writing.
If you have a hard time focusing when it comes to writing then use the voice recorder in your phone. Talk to yourself and play back the recordings. Get familiar with your ideas. Spend time listening to your own voice. You can also turn on the talk-to-text feature on your phone’s keypad, so that your apps do the typing for you. Then, hand write your words onto a piece of paper.
Whenever you feel doubt creeping back in, go back and reread your daydreams. Return to your own words and remind yourself that you deserve to see them in your reality.
SPEAK UP For What You Want.
As women we often adjust our words so that we don’t upset others. Prioritizing yourself means you put your needs and wants FIRST. Use your words with integrity. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If your truth confuses or upsets someone, that’s their problem. You don’t have to over-explain, justify or rationalize your feelings or goals to anybody.
And it’s not your job to help people sort their emotions either. Oh well.
Practice saying what upsets you right when it upsets you. Learn to say no, and learn when to end a conversation that’s gone in circles. The longer you engage with people who aren’t aligned with your goals the more exhausted you’ll become. Your energy and your time are sacred. Protect them.
Advocate for yourself, your time, and your value. Recognize that your daydreams are yours to fulfill. If you know something won’t give you what you need or want – if you even feel like it might not – reject it. Be unyielding in your devotion to your own ideas, and to the work of bringing your dreams into reality.
You don't need more ideas. You need a plan.
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