I want women to be the future almost more than anyone I know. Unfortunately, it would appear a large chunk of women presently in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, are still battling the demons from adolescent girlhood, of self-doubt, second-guessing, upspeak, and wall-flowerism. And it makes my skin fucking crawl.
You mean to tell me you saw Madonna, The Spice Girls, Beyonce, Kathryn Hepburn, and others, and it still made more sense to you to shrink yourself?
Now listen, let’s get this clear out of the way: A ton of us have Mother Wounding. I get that. But you don’t have to make it your entire identity. You don’t have to beg for approval, encouragement, and praise all the time.
You could just say “Wow, that’s fucked up how that woman never liked me. Must be rough to be so disconnected from your emotions, and so bitter at the world, and envious that you keep taking it out on your girl child” and then you put her out of your mind – and preferably out of your life.
Next up, you start working on yourself. Really, truly.
Face the little girl inside of you who just wants someone to like her. Admit it. Wanting to be liked isn’t a shameful thing. Everyone wants to be liked. But needing to make sure no one is ever mad at you is programming from the wound. YOU gotta sort that out internally first.
Look at your inner little girl and tell her that you like her, yourself.
Remember who you were as a child. Admire her. Become friends with her. Become her guardian and protector. Become her benefactor.
Tell her she’s funny and smart and clever and strong, and good, and kind and important.
You have to tell her all those things yourself. You have to see her and love her for who she is. Spoiler alert: You will cry. But you have to get it out.
You have to do it yourself so you can stop running around as an adult cosplaying a young, confused, naive and unknowing lost child. You have to do this inner work so that you can start believing in yourself as an adult.
But if you never admit that you’re carrying a neglected and wounded little girl inside you, you’ll never admit that you’re a grown woman who’s constantly trying to manipulate others into doing emotional labor for you.
BIG PILL. TOUGH PILL.
But if you want to achieve BIG things, you gotta face hard truths.
And if you expect to create a flourishing business you’re gonna have to cultivate a clear, honest, and activated headspace. You’re going to have to operate from confidence, competence, and self-assuredness. You’re going to have to be brave enough to take risks in the knowledge, and belief, that whatever happens you can adapt and manage.
But if you’re always seeking external validation, you’re telling the world that YOU DO NOT KNOW YOURSELF. You do not trust your own thoughts, your own imagination, or instincts. And if you don’t trust yourself why in God’s name would anyone trust you enough to hire you or buy from you?
Riddle me that?
This year dramtically changed the way I relate to other women. I cut off a former best friend who’d been talking about breaking up with her shitty, ugly, gremlin, cretin, loser boyfriend for 2 years, when he caused another scene on another New Years’ Eve. And suddenly she didn’t want to talk about it with me anymore – after I’d heard every single time he’d lied, let her down, attempted to ruin an outing over the last few years. But she wasn’t breaking up with him this time and she didn’t feel like getting into with me.
Girl, that’s fine. That’s your life. You opt to let that man disrespect you again and again. It was at that point I knew our friendship was over. Because I lost respect for her.
I don’t know how to respect women who don’t respect themselves.
Who tolerate poor treatment and bad behavior from men children. I don’t respect women who IGNORE their own instincts, and then complain about the same things month after month.
I have better things to do with my time than become invested in other people’s poor decisions, or enabling behaviors.
And then Summer House happened.
We watched Amanda Batula dog out her husband and one of her castmates by beginning an affair with castmate’s former situationship, and husband’s close friend. What really ground my gears about Amanda Batula was that she always, always COMPLAINED about her husband, and she always cried and played helpless and anxious to her friends.
But she had comptenence enough to be selfish enough to cheat on her husband and start a secret affair with the exact man who told the New York Times magazine that he never really even liked her friend. So that man dogged out your friend and you thought “well he’s giving me attention now so…”
This is a prime example of the insidiousness of women who pretend they are incapable. They export emotional labor and validation to others and they operate covertly. Being selfish isn’t inherently bad.
I am very selfish. I LOVE PUTTING MYSELF FIRST. And I don’t hide it. I don’t pretend otherwise. I am always my top priority because someone has to be there for the little girl inside of me. She’s my number one responsibility.
But when women are duplicitous and cowardly about our desires, we’re using a recipe for disaster. When we’re trying to figure out what others want to hear… when we’re trying to be someone others don’t feel threatend by… when we’re always trying to mirror others… it’s disingenuous and dishonest.
You’re actually a bigger bad guy the more you try to be the good guy. Because it’s a facade.
Women who waiver, and act like they “don’t know” are LIARS. They know what they want exactly: approval, love, POWER.
But they’re running on centuries of programming that dictates they can’t outright say what they want. So they never do. And they become accustomed to manipulating responses, and performing as whatever and whoever they need to be, to make others think they need help and protection.
Baby, you are the help and protection you seek. And if you refuse to be that, I refuse to engage. Because invariably, these types of women will betray the very people they’re always trying to lean on.
And it ain’t gonna be me.
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